Teenagers know how to push their parents’ buttons. Instinctively, they come with an arsenal of tools to get what they want, avoid getting into trouble, or cause their parents to blow a fuse out of frustration. How do you prepare to parent all of that?
There are smart ways to counteract the manipulation. Here’s what the experts have to say about keeping peace in your family, not to mention your own peace of mind.
Understand the Motivation
Family psychologist David Swanson says kids have plenty of reason to manipulate their parents. They do it to garner love and attention, to cover their butts, to get what they want, and to feel powerful. And the main reason they do it is it works.
Swanson, the author of HELP-My Kid is Driving Me Crazy, The 17 Ways Kids Manipulate Their Parents and What You Can Do About It, says it’s in a teen’s nature to figure out the consequences of their actions and try different things to see what kind of response they get.
And parents, Joshua Klapow, University of Alabama School of Public Health clinical psychologist, says, are often unaware of how their own actions invite behaviors that fuel many teen-parent conflicts.
Perhaps the most common form of manipulation teenagers use is steamrolling. Steamrolling can best be defined as: “Can I? Can I? Can I? Can I? How about now?” It’s the never-ending, repeated request that’s intended (even if unconsciously) to wear down a parent so the teen can get what they want.
Fight fire with fire, says psychotherapist and mother of two Stacy Kaiser. Kaiser is the author of How to Be a Grown Up: The 10 Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know. She says parents should think about their bottom line and develop their own “broken record” sentence. If your teen wants to hang out in the mall with friends, for example, but they haven’t yet finished their homework, your mantra is simple: “You must do your homework before you go to the mall.”
There’s no need for further discussion. Just keep replying with the same sentence and become your own broken record. That makes it much more difficult for your teen to knock you off your feet, Kaiser says.
Swanson also offers the “watch method.” Here’s the script: “When I give you your answer if you keep asking me, I’m going to let you know that you’re steamrolling me. And if you keep going, I’m going to look at my watch. For every minute you continue to do it after I told you you’re steamrolling, it’s going to be two minutes of earlier bed or video time chipped away.”
Once you’ve explained the ground rules, take a 10 second glance at your watch. Your teen will know you mean business. “That’s when the steamrolling stops working against you and starts working against your child,” Swanson says.
“Teenagers think if they don’t tell you the truth,” Kaiser says, “they have a better shot at getting what they want.”
White lies or lies of omission are common. For example, your child may be upfront about going to their friend’s house but leave out the fact that their friend’s parents won’t be home and there will be alcohol there.
As kids get older, the lies become more sophisticated and, therefore, more difficult to identify. Plus, Kaiser says, teens begin to collaborate with one another on fabricating stories. “They’ll both agree to tell their parents they are going to Karen’s house when they are really going to Tommy’s,” Kaiser says. If either kid’s parents call the other’s, their story will be corroborated because they both told the same lie. “Since the friend’s parents back it up, they get away with it,” she says.
Stay vigilant about knowing where your child is going and with whom in order to minimize lying. And when you catch a lie, strike immediately. “Let your child know that lying is not acceptable and, for this offense, you’re taking the TV away for a day,” Kaiser says. “If it happens again, take it for a week. Kids need to know that a repeat offense has bigger consequences.”
Many teens provoke their parents by doing something hurtful or simply not following through with things expected of them — like cleaning their rooms — just to even the score for not getting their way. Although it’s a tempting response, yelling and screaming won’t work in these situations, Klapow says. “You don’t treat your teenager like a toddler, but the same principles apply. Don’t attend to the tantrum.”
Calmly let your teen know that this kind of behavior is not acceptable. If they persist, it’s time again to reinforce that there is a consequence for such behavior.
Begin restricting what is most important to them – phone, TV, video games, times with friends — and then follow through.
Kaiser offers a tip for parents who have a tendency to give in before the punishment is up. “Send the cell phone to another house,” she says. “Call a friend and ask them to hold the item. That way you can tell your child, ‘I can’t give it back to you because our friend is holding it until Friday.'”
4. Emotional Blackmail
Ask parents what they most want for their children and many will say “to be happy.” That’s what makes emotional blackmail –. “I’ll be sad until I get my way” — one of the more challenging manipulations for a parent to recognize and counter. Klapow says parents should ask themselves a very important question: “Is it my job to make my child happy or prepared for the world? And what will my actions do, depending on which way I go?”
The world is not just about being happy, Klapow says. “It’s your job as a parent to help your teen learn. It’s OK for your child to be sad when his behavior impacts the way he lives in the world or the lives of others.”
Focus on what you’re asking your child to do while ignoring the emotions. If he tells you you’re ruining his life by making him do homework before he can go to a party, Swanson suggests saying to your teen: “I understand that you think I’m ruining your life because you have to do your homework, but you still need to do it before you can go out.”
Swanson says that if you can consistently keep your poise, over time your child will stop using emotional blackmail as a form of manipulation.
5. Shutting Down
What parents haven’t seen their teen quiet, sullen, and refusing to talk? Kids use shutting down and not responding as a strategy, Swanson says, because they think it will make your request magically go away.
You can let your child know that although they may choose not to speak to you, they aren’t invisible.
To combat this frustrating form of manipulation, establish a schedule around enjoyable activities, such as video games or computer time, and limit them — one hour each night is reasonable. Let your child know that only after homework has been completed can they log on and that every time you have to ask them more than twice to do their homework, they’ll lose 10 minutes on the computer. That’s when your teen’s refusal to respond to you starts to work against them, not for them.
But it’s important to tune in to the reasons why kids aren’t talking, Klapow says. “Is it manipulation or something overwhelming? Recognize that there are situations when a child needs to process information and that she may need more time.”
If your child is upset about something, acknowledge that and let them know you are there to talk even if it’s three days from now.
6. Creating Doubt
Have you ever heard this one from your teen? “I’ll be an outcast if you don’t let me buy those jeans.”
Parents shudder at the thought of inadvertently placing their child in some kind of social or other peer peril. Kids know this and may use it to turn up the volume on their parents’ anxiety.
Become a detective, Klapow says. “Look at the truthfulness of the statement. Be a rational observer. Is that true? How true is it?” Ask your child to help you understand why they would get beat up if you don’t let them wear a certain hat and then respond accordingly. Your teen may actually have a good point. “It’s not all manipulation,” Klapow says.
But if you find that your teen is using this method to play you and get what they want, lay down the law. Let your child know that attempting to manipulate you in this way is totally unacceptable and deliver a consequence.
Stay the Course
The most important thing for you to do is be consistent. “Over time, consistency is the difference between success and failure,” Klapow says.
“A good, responsible parent who will walk away and feel great about what he’s done is not a parent who avoids conflict with his child,” Swanson says. “It is doing what you know is right, and that is to put safety first, your child’s better interest for the future second, and happiness last.”